5 years ago tonight...

5 years ago tonight(9/25/11) I remember sleeping on the waiting room floor at the hospital. The doctor had given us one last hope that my mom could pull through, and that her stroke could reverse itself. It was going to take a miracle, but I was praying harder than I have ever prayed. I was clinging on to any hope I could get. I honestly had no idea how my life was about to change.............My mom died on September 26, 2006. I replay the moment in my head over and over again, It haunts me. It gives me chills. It makes my heart sink to the floor. The sounds, the room, everything...I will never forget. I had to leave the hospital without my mom. She had died. I remember sitting in the front seat of my car while Nick was driving me home (The rest of my family were in other cars). I sat there with a huge gift basket on my lap, crying. I had never experienced pain like that before. I spent almost every waking moment next to my moms side. Even so much that when she had stopped talking(from having a stroke) she would write to us on a notepad. One of the last things she wrote, was asking where I was. Even up until her very last few days of her life, she was worrying about me. She knew that I was probably beside myself and she wanted to make sure that I was okay. I love that thought, but it also makes me so sad. The last words that I got from my mom were written on a piece of paper :( . I hate that I lost my mom when I was 21 years. I hate that I don't get to have any new memories with her. But I LOVE that I got to spend 21 wonderful years with her and that she gave me more memories in my 21 years than some people get in a life time. I still wonder and ask why she had to die. But God has a bigger plan and he knew what he was doing. Life is tough, and you just have to get up the next day and figure out how to go on. Even when it seems impossible.......

So much going on!

I feel like life is going about a hundred miles a minute. All of a sudden I am 26 years old with a husband and a 6 month old baby! It is so crazy to me how much my life has changed in the past 6 years. I remember turning 20 years old. I truly had no idea what the next 6 years was going to bring. It has been the hardest, sadest, happiest, most rewarding 6 years of my life.

My mom died when I was 21 years old. I got married when I was 23 years old, I had a baby when I was 25 years old, and now here I am......What is next? I honestly have no idea, but I do know that life is going by fast and I want to enjoy every moment to the fullest. I need to start living in the presence (is that the saying? Or is it present?), not thinking about what is going to be.....I think too often I am thinking about tomorrow and not enjoying today.

So here is to enjoying today, and not worrying about tomorrow...(If you know me well enough, that is a HARD thing for me to do).

Have a great Wednesday,

Month by Month

6 months old!

Ohh my sweet boy,

You are 6 months Old!!(on 9/17/11) Where has the time gone? I can't believe how much you have grown and changed in your short, sweet little life! I adore you more than you will ever know!

Here is what you are up to:
~You weigh 20.5 lbs and are 30 inches long! You are SO tall! You are in the 90th percentile for weight and you are off the charts in height! Pro basketball player on our hands? Oh, but my love you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up!

~You love eating! You have now had Peas, Carrots and Green Beans! You love them all! I am pretty sure you are going to love all foods!
~You are sleeping from about 8:00pm-6:00am!
~You are wearing a size 3 diaper and wear some 6 months clothes, but mostly 9-12 month clothes!
~You are rolling around everywhere! I am pretty sure once you figure out that your arms can hold you up you will be crawling away soon!
~You are sitting up for a little while by yourself. Still a little wobbly, but you almost got it :)
~You smile all day long! You are so happy!
~You have TWO teeth! and you poor thing, still smile through your pain :(
~Your eyes are getting darker. They aren't quit brown, but they aren't blue. I think you may have hazel eyes!
~Your hair is still darker on top, but your new baby hairs are blonde. I still think you are going to be blonde!
~We had to lower your crib because you were grabbing on your crib bumper and using it as a blanket to snuggle up against. (I would find you up against the side with your arm hanging over the bumper. I was afraid you would start pulling youself up with it next)
~I put you to bed still awake and you have been doing so well putting yourself to sleep. (you whine a little and then are asleep within minutes)
~Naps are a different story. We are still working on them. As of now you still take about 30 min naps every 2 hours.( although, I think you nap better at Auntie Britt's house, becaue I always get texts from her saying how long you have been sleeping, and they are usually longer than when you are at home, stinker!)
~Your daddy makes you smile like crazy. You are best friends and it is the cutest thing ever!
~You are saying "mama" but I don't think you are associating it with me yet. Your daddy thinks I am trying to get you to say "mama" first, but I say "dada" to you just as often. We will see what you really say first :)
~I am trying to work on basic sign language with you. We will see if you catch on! (or if I teach you correctly)
~You are eating three meals a day, as well as your bottle every 2-3 hours.
~You get so excited sometimes that you shake your arms uncontrollably and almost hit yourself in the face. It usually happens when you are playing with a hard toy. It's cute, but I am afraid you are going to hurt yourself!
~You are starting to reach for people when you want to be held. ADORABLE!!!
~You love your jumper!
~You are such a blessing my boy!
Here are some random pictures of you throughout the month!

Eating your carrots!

This picture makes me laugh so hard. Your face is HILARIOUS!!!

I LOVE that sweet smile!

Swinging for the first time!

You LOVE grandpa Larry!

My big boy in the store cart!

I love you baby so very much! You are such a blessing!

Love,

Mama

Random Thoughts Thursday

So I was trying to think of a blog topic and I couldn't come up with anything remotly good, so I thought I would just write down my random thoughts!





Here goes:





~I have not been feeling very well lately. I have been really dizzy and weak. My whole body ached and my spine has been killing me. I went to the ER last Thursday because I just didn't feel right. Long story and expensive bills later....I have no idea what is wrong with me. I am thinking it is a hormone imbalance becuase I just stopped breastfeeding..Any other Mama out there have those symptoms?Ugh! I have to say that in the last 2 days I have felt a little better...thank God! It is hard to function when you feel like you are in your own world!





~I have decided that my health needs to be one of my main priorities in my life. I want Luke to grow up in a healthy, happy home and the only way I can make sure of that is if I am living that way. I don't want to look back on Luke's childhood and not have the energy to keep up with him and not have pictures of me and him because I don't like how I look in pictures. I do not want to instill (sp) self doubt and bad body images to my children. I need to be happy with myself before I can teach my kid(s) to be happy with themselves. Being a parent has so many responsibilites and I want to do my very best!





~The 10 year anniversary of 9/11 was last Sunday. I can't believe it has been 10 years. So unreal. It was also my 26th birthday. It is funny how the older you get, your birthday really does feels like just a regular day. I had a very nice day though. I am blessed and felt loved!





~ Luke is sleeping through the night...almost! A part of me doesn't want to write this because I may jinx myself, but for my blog sake, he is! He is only waking up once at around 3 to eat and then he goes back to sleep. It is glorious! More on him later, becuase my sweet little baby is growing like a weed and is going to be....GULP....6 months old on Saturday!! ahh where has the time gone?!?





~School is exhausting! My heart still aches to be home with Luke, but I am learing to really enjoy my days with my students. We are having to move locations of our school the first week of October....so the blood, sweat and tears that went in to getting my class together in July, will all be taken down and then put back up in my new classroom. I can't even think about this right now, it stresses me out!





~I really want to start making croc pot dinners. Do you have any good recipes you want to share with me? As a wife I really want to be better at providing my hubby a good meal before he leaves for work everyday, and croc pot meals sound like they could be the easiest method for me!





~I am really looking forward to Fall. It is one of my favorite times of the year! I can't wait to decorate and I have to admit I already have my yummy smelling candles lit!

Happy Thrusday!

~Breanna

She's not here...

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 57 years young! For the first 21 years of my life it was a day of celebration. Celebrating her birth and the many years to follow. For the past 5 years we have had to celebrate her birthday without her, missing her presence in our lives. Sometimes it still seems so unreal. I ask myself some days, "is she really gone?" " Am I really living my life without my mom?" It still hurts deep into my bones. I still have moments when I ache for my mom. Time makes things hurt a little less on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean the moments when you break down and gasp for air because you miss them so much don't happen.They do.

I hate that my mom is not here to be a grandma. She has 4 beautiful grandchildren that she never got to meet. That is when I start to question again, "why did she not get to meet them? Why was she taken from us so young?" Those are questions I will have until the day I get to ask God myself. I do have the comfort in knowing that God knows best, and he took my mom for a reason and she is in the best place we will ever be. Thank you God for giving me that comfort.

I look at Luke and it makes me realize how much a mother loves their child(ren). You never truly know how much your parents love you until you become a parent yourself. It is unexplainable. I am so grateful that my mom left such a great example for us. I am a better mom becuase of her. I wish I could tell her all of these things, and I know she is looking down on all of us, smiling. I just wish I could talk to her, tell her stories. See her hold Luke and love on him. I miss her voice, her smile and the sound of her flip flops as she is walking. There is so much I miss and so much that I will forever hold in my heart.

Today is my moms birthday and I am celebrating her life.