She's not here...

Today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 57 years young! For the first 21 years of my life it was a day of celebration. Celebrating her birth and the many years to follow. For the past 5 years we have had to celebrate her birthday without her, missing her presence in our lives. Sometimes it still seems so unreal. I ask myself some days, "is she really gone?" " Am I really living my life without my mom?" It still hurts deep into my bones. I still have moments when I ache for my mom. Time makes things hurt a little less on a daily basis, but that doesn't mean the moments when you break down and gasp for air because you miss them so much don't happen.They do.

I hate that my mom is not here to be a grandma. She has 4 beautiful grandchildren that she never got to meet. That is when I start to question again, "why did she not get to meet them? Why was she taken from us so young?" Those are questions I will have until the day I get to ask God myself. I do have the comfort in knowing that God knows best, and he took my mom for a reason and she is in the best place we will ever be. Thank you God for giving me that comfort.

I look at Luke and it makes me realize how much a mother loves their child(ren). You never truly know how much your parents love you until you become a parent yourself. It is unexplainable. I am so grateful that my mom left such a great example for us. I am a better mom becuase of her. I wish I could tell her all of these things, and I know she is looking down on all of us, smiling. I just wish I could talk to her, tell her stories. See her hold Luke and love on him. I miss her voice, her smile and the sound of her flip flops as she is walking. There is so much I miss and so much that I will forever hold in my heart.

Today is my moms birthday and I am celebrating her life.